Last update: 2000 April 6
``Anyone who uses the phrase `easy as taking candy from a baby'
has never tried taking candy from a baby.'' --- Unknown
20) Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
19) The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
18) The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
17) Alice in WonderBraLand
16) The Legend of Three-Card Monte
15) 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
14) The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
13) Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
12) Where the Wildings Are
11) The Little Big Book of Necrophelia
10) The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
9) Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
8) The Crack House at Pooh Corner
7) The Dummy's Guide to Crying
6) When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
5) Where's Waldo's Weewee?
4) The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
3) Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
2) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
1) Furious George Delivers the Mail
[I'm not sure where I originally found this, but after some digging, I found that it was written by Josh LeBeau for The Koala (student paper at University of California, San Diego).]
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which
the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of
his earlier works, most notably Green Eggs and Ham, If I Ran the Zoo, and Why
Can't I Shower With Mommy? In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the
pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a
nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand
their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned
by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family
dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the
wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual
yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned
reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set
the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive
needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so
innocently refers to as ``tricks.'' At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ
figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the
children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated
with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds
to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,
``Down with morality; down with God!''
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ
figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably
two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal
fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when
their mother abandoned them ``for the afternoon.'' Our heroic Id adds to this
bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a
large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of
Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between
the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward
and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt.
Referring to this box, the Cat says, ``Now look at this trick. Take a look!''
In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader,
and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control
their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns
that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed
before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a
many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which
proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's
concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture.
Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a
splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism.
In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making The Cat in the Hat
impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can
read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that
the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.
(below is a reply from a literary critic, particularly referring to my terming this review ``post-modern deconstructionist'')
The review pretty much falls under straight pyschoanalytical interpretation,
based on Freudian theory. For it to be considered postmodern, it would need a
Lacanian twist (Lacan, a French critic who added Marxism to pyschoanalytical
interpretation -- Julia Kristeva also falls under this category).
For a reading to be considered deconstructionist, it needs to be separated
almost down to phonemes and morphemes, not have an interpretation laid over
it--Derrida is the major deconstructionist critic, and the terminology involved
in deconstruction is fairly complex--when you run across ``differance'', ``hors
texte'', ``langue'' and ``parole'', you are probably dealing with
deconstruction. Example of deconstruction: to a deconstructionist, the answer
to the question ``which came first, the chicken or the egg?'' is
If you are interested in unravelling the variations of lit. crit. in a
not-so-technical (yet more sophisticated than the Seuss reading) way, get a
hold of a copy of The Pooh Perplex, which presents a dozen or so different
literary readings of our favorite A.A. Milne hero--it was published before
deconstruction left the confines of French academia, so does not include
structuralism, deconstruction, revisionist theory. aesthetic-reception theory,
queer theory, habitus theory or post-colonialism ( to give you some terms to
wield mightily at social gatherings...)
(and here, a counter-response from "John Doe")
I have to admit, that when I first clicked into your page, I was
prepared for some hackneyed attempt at putting "down"
deconstructionism / post-modern theory by playing it up as merely
pseudo-intellectual bullshit. I was pleasantly suprised to find a
humorous and truly deconstructive analysis of The Cat In The Hat.
I would argue against the claims of the "literary critic" when he
says, "for a reading to be considered deconstructionist, it needs to
be separated almost down to phonemes and morphemes, not have an
interpretation laid over it--Derrida is the major deconstructionist
critic, and the terminology involved in deconstruction is fairly
complex--when you run across ``differance'', ``hors texte'',
``langue'' and ``parole'', you are probably dealing with
deconstruction. Example of deconstruction: to a deconstructionist, the
answer to the question ``which came first, the chicken or the egg?''
First of all, I'm not sure he's read much of Derrida's works, since
the vast majority of them ARE (re)interpretations. In fact, that is
"the" major theme of deconstruction - to find the various ways a work
can be found produce multiple meanings, or meanings contrary to the
"accepted" (read: official) meaning of the work. Despite the truth
behind the claim that "the review pretty much falls under straight
pyschoanalytical interpretation," made by the "literary critic", I
would say your critique of The Cat In The Hat *is* a wonderful act of
But that's the funny thing about deconstruction, really, that trying
to pin down its "meaning" will only leave one frustrated (or with an
unfounded sense of accomplishment!). As the Taoist sage Lao Tzu
expressed, "chasing the limitless with the limited can only end in
Also, I find it ironic that the "literary critic" presumed that a
post-modern critique would have needed a Lacanian twist, especially
since Lacan was trying to usher in a return to Freud. A Lacanian
twist wouldn't have to be any different than a Freudian twist. (As a
side note, Derrida mentioned Freud quite a bit, and Freud's theories
have always played a strong part in deconstruction, and deconstruction
has "always" played a strong role in postmodern theory!) Also a bit
odd was his recommendation of The Pooh Perplex, since he was so
concerned about your "misuse" of the term deconstruction and
postmodernism, and The Pooh Perplex has nothing to do with either of
those topics! He even admits to this ("[The Pooh Perplex] does not
include structuralism, deconstruction, revisionist theory [...]"). I
just hope he doesn't teach any classes on Literary Theory...
Anyway, hats off to you. If Derrida were alive today, he most
definately would have championed your effort!
- Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out
10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of
your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go
to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
- Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy
it- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
- To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to
10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag
down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk
around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for
3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to
bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the
dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up
for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo
and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub
them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
- Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none
of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
- Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece
of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping
pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the
Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the
- Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a
chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of
chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along
both sides of the car. -There! Perfect!
- Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the
front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down
the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down
the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your
steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors
come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just
about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
- Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
- Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries
without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat
or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate
- Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready
to feed a 12-month old baby.
- Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street
and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing ``I love you,
you love me'' at work, now you finally qualify as a parent.
The Etiology & Treatment of Childhood
Jordan W. Smoller
University of Pennsylvania
Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious
attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all
recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made
references to ``short, noisy creatures,'' who may well have been what we now
call ``children.'' The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this
century, when so-called ``child psychologists'' and ``child psychiatrists''
became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated
that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood
directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher,
since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social
desirability biases and retrospective distortion.
The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in
the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the American
Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in disagreement about the
significant clinical features of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost
certainly include the following core features:
- Congenital onset
- Emotional lability and immaturity
- Knowledge deficits
- Legume anorexia
Clinical Features of Childhood
Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional treatment
of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit further
discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population.
In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple-Black
(1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although it
may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely. This
observation has led some investigators to speculate on a biological
contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, ``we may soon be in
a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood''
This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely
known that children are physically short relative to the population at large.
Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called
``small child'' (or ``tot'') is particularly difficult. These children are
known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of insight
(Tom and Jerry, 1967).
Emotional Lability and Immaturity
This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's
diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as
children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labeled a
``child'' by professionals and friends alike.
While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all will
manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has experienced
the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires some general
knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the world they live
in. Politics, art, and science -- children are largely ignorant of these.
Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad fact is that most children
have few friends who are not, themselves, children.
This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom
is supported by empirical observation -- children will rarely eat their
vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).
Causes of Childhood
Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of
childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a
number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below.
Sociological Model Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about
sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about
In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more
than fourth grade education. Clearly, children are an ``out-group.'' Because
of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote.
From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping
assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are
so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to
work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has
trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.
- the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
- children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.
The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some
to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by
Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their
survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more
than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family
members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g.,
Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that family childhood is even more prevalent in
the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three
out of four family members may have childhood. Impressive evidence of a
genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and
Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at
concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins,
concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with
childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well.
A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development
of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more
familiar models are Seligman's ``learned childishness'' model. According to
this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and
become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed
that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called ``childhood'' an
expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly
or too short to deal with by labeling them ``children.''
Treatment of Childhood
Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in
modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been
applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the
sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics
(DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our
history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: ``There's a child born every minute.''
The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention
inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the
largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called ``public
schools.'' Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment
groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most
severely afflicted may be placed in a ``kindergarten'' program. Patients at
this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature, and
intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is
essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic
skills (e.g. finger-painting). Unfortunately, the ``school'' system has been
largely ineffective. Not only is the program a massive tax burden, but it has
failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood. Faced with this
failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are
devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a
theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child
psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical
interventions. By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned.
Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The
following case (taken from Gumbie & Pokey 1957) is typical.
Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's
affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3'' high and weighed a
scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate voraciously. Billy presented a
variety of troubling symptoms. His voice was noticeably high for a man. He
displayed legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to
bathe. His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had little
general knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence. Social skills
were also deficient. He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited ``whining
behaviour.'' His sexual experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy
considered women ``icky.'' His parents reported that his condition had been
present from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school at age
5. The diagnosis was ``primary childhood.'' After years of painstaking
treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his height and weight have
increased, his social skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to
hold down a ``paper route.''
After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to
light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all
gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the childhood
syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe,
Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These
investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children
currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second
was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been
diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of
childhood of 6.4 years. At the end of one year, the results confirmed the
clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all
symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than
the controls. The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were
startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly, & Shemp, 1984) assessed the
original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional
maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the
``metric system'' (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable
Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects
improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects
appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of
95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to
These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood may
not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too complacent.
Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one
of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders facing mental health
professional today. And, beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood
has recently been linked to a number of physical disorders. Twenty years ago,
Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of
chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal
controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of
accidents -- compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more
likely to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes.
Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real hope to
the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder.
(by Collette @ gte.net)
- If I want it, it's mine.
- If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
- If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine it will never belong to anyone else no matter what.
- If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
- If it looks like mine, it's mine.
From a newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy". [well, okay, not quite
baby humor, but amusing nonetheless...]
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him
the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally- but I didn't want to
upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost
the nose hair and the old man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmmm." Unless it was just a
lawn mower. Age 11
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people
think he should be. Then I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I
tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog
people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it was your last, which is why I don't
have any clean laundry. Come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of
their life? Age 15
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old
yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I
use to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things
I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the
astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens
to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for
an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.
- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite
- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit
- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan
- When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already
- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes
- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep
- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
- Duplos will not
- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
- Super glue is forever
- McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
- Ditto Tarzan
- No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water
- Pool filters do not like Jello
- VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
- You probably do not want to know what that odor is
- Always look in the oven before you turn it on
- Plastic toys do not like ovens
- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response
- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
- It will however make cats dizzy
- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
- Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
- condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex
- one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
- FAMILY PLANNING:
- the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on
the edge of financial disaster.
- the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained
- FULL NAME:
- what you call your child when you're mad at him.
- the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.
- what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
- a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
- how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
- the first word spoken by children with older siblings.
- when your life was still somewhat your own.
- a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
- SHOW OFF:
- a child who is more talented than yours.
- what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last
baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
- TOP BUNK:
- where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
- TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
- when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
- able to whine in words.
- none of the kids that live in your house.
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 10 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
- Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug
store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper.
Read it for the last time.
- To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put
the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and
walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on
for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go
to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs
in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
- Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.
- Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified
for a place on the playgroup committee.
- Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy
a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size
packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
- Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end,
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until
the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the
house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
- Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
- Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Mini Wheats
and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an
airplane. Continue until half the Mini Wheats are gone. Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now
ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
- Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish all
this do not even contemplate having children!
by Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese,
you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn
and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of
bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats
you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and
other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not
in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if
you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat
in the living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an
abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show,
your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will
dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away. When
you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not
bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to
make noises in it sounding like a duck; for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within. I
say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the
same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. And
though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with
it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand
them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like
that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have
said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these. If you have eaten most of
your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not
less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see,
and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both
forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still you shall not have dessert. And if you eat the peas, yet leave the
potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert; no, not even a small portion
thereof. And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around
with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will
fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to
the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream
not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct
Likewise, if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make
not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press
your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be;
behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you;
even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon. And in the
breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and
other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see. Only hold
yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my
examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any
building; nor eat sand. Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done,
that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your
nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you will
drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit, said God."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve asked, jumping up and
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was very
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance
In this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give your
children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be so hard on yourself. If
God had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should be a
piece of cake for you?
In school they told us what You do.
Who does it when You are on vacation?
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling
words in the house?
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones,
why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
Who draws the lines around the countries?
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"?
Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad!
He said some things about You that people are not supposed to
say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Why is Sunday school on Sunday?
Please send me a pony.
I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything
you want except my money or my chess set.
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had
their own rooms. It works with my brother.
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so
much hair all over.
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the
whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can
never do it.
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You
did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
- ``Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.''
- ``When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.''
- ``H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.''
- ``To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test
- ``When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide''
- ``Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
- ``Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.''
- ``Blood flows down one leg and up the other.''
- ``Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
- `` The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
- ``Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
- ``Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
- ``A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.''
- ``Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.''
- ``The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there
are five - A, E, I, O and U.''
- ``Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.''
- ``Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.''
- ``Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.''
- ``Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.''
- ``Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
- ``To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.''
- ``For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart
- ``For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
- ``For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical
- ``For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it.''
- ``For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
- ``To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.''
- ``For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
- ``To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.''
- ``The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.''
- ``The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.''
- ``The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to.''
- ``A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars,and eight cuspidors.''
- ``The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a
vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.''
- ``A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
- ``Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.''
- ``Germinate: To become a naturalized German.''
- ``Liter: A nest of young puppies.''
- ``Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.''
(Having been a Camp Counselor by the name of ``Crazy Cat'' for about 10 years,
I found this amusing...)
Dear Mom and Dad:
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Pigpen
is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV
and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got
washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call
Chad's mother and tell her he is OK too. He can't write because of the
cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was
neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for
the lightning. Scoutmaster Pigpen got mad at Chad for going on a hike
alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was
during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if
you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still
didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John
is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Pigpen gets the car
fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when
we left. Scoutmaster Pigpen said that with a car that old you have to
expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get any
insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get
it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.
It gets pretty hot with 10 people in the car. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped us. Don't
worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive.
But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any
traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks. This morning all
of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.
Scoutmaster Pigpen wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was
afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees
under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Pigpen isn't crabby like
some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He
has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to
cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in
the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and
I threw up. Scoutmaster Pigpen said it probably was just food poisoning from
the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our
letters. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
P. S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
- Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
- Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
- Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
- School lunches stick to the wall.
- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
- Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
- Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
- Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
- Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
- Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when
your parents are doing taxes.
- Never bug a pregnant mom.
- Don't ever be too full for dessert.
- When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
- Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
- When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
- Never do pranks at a police station.
- Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
- Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what
your mom told you to do.
- Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
- Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in
her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
Their insight may surprise you--
- Better to be safe than.....Punch a 5th grader.
- Strike While the.....Bug is close.
- It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings time.
- Never underestimate the power of.....Termites.
- You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
- Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.
- No news is.....impossible.
- A miss is as good as a .....Mr.
- You can't teach an old dog new.....math.
- If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....stink in the morning.
- Love all, trust.....me.
- The pen is mightier than the .....pigs.
- An idle mind is.....The best way to relax.
- Where there's smoke there's.....Pollution.
- Happy the bride who.....gets all the presents.
- A penny saved is.....not much.
- Two's company, three's.....the Musketeers.
- Don't put off till tomorrow what.....you put on to go to bed.
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow
- None are so blind as.....Helen Keller.
- Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
- If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries.
- You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
- When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for
cookies and her mother told her ``no.'' The little girl immediately began to
whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ``Now Ellen, we just have half
of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.''
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little
girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she
began to cry. The mother said, ``There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two
more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.''
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where
the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a
terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, ``Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in
five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.''
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. ``I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little
The mother broke in, ``My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.''
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each
baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from
having your first:
- Your Clothes
- 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms
- 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
- 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
- The Baby's Name
- 1st baby: You scour baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
- 2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
- 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
- Preparing for the Birth
- 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
- 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
- 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
- 1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
- 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
- 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
- 1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
- 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
- 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
- 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
- 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
- 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
- Going Out
- 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
- 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
- 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
- At Home
- 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
- 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
- 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
- 1st baby: Daily photos and video coverage, a fully-filled My First
Three Years scrapbook, every minor piece of ``art'' saved.
- 2nd baby: Appears in photos when doing something cute with older
sibling or when with relatives, first half of scrapbook filled out,
drawings put on refridgerator door for a few days.
- 3rd baby: Photographic evidence slightly less than that of the Loch Ness
When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to
write an essay on ``something I am thankful for''. Then I'd spend a lot of time
sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could
possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God
to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have
Before Children: I was thankful to have been born
the USA, the most Powerful free democracy in the world.
After Children: I am thankful for Velcro tennis
shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son
taking off his shoes--which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety
locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and
onto the freeway.
Before Children: I was thankful for the recycling
program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading
After Children: I am thankful for swim diapers
because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up
wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.
Before Children: I was thankful for fresh, organic
After Children: I am thankful for microwaveable
macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about
three bites of cereal and their own spit.
Before Children: I was thankful for the
opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life
than my ancestors.
After Children: I am thankful to finish a
complete thought without being interrupted.
Before Children: I was thankful for holistic
medicine and natural herbs.
After Children: I am thankful for pediatric cough
syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.
Before Children: I was thankful for all of the
teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative
After Children: I am thankful for all of the
people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically
placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.
Before Children: I was thankful for the
opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a
different way of life in a new culture.
After Children: I am thankful to have time to
make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
Before Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood
After Children: I am thankful for the butterball
Before Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy
home to share with my loved ones.
After Children: I am thankful for the lock on the
Before Children: I was thankful for material
objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
After Children: I am thankful when the baby spits
up and misses my good shoes.
Before Children: I was thankful for my wonderful
After Children: I am thankful for my wonderful